Mayfield Diaries
by SaulaLove
Summary: my opinion on what House thinks..or overthinks.. about Cuddy.


Set sometime during House's Mayfield situation, just an idea that popped into my mind a few minutes ago.

I honestly think i answered all my questions, and did pretty well. Let me know what you think, good or bad.

It had only been about a week. Possibly, even less time had passed. I didn't expect much of anything from her. She had been too afraid after hearing about my fantasy that she couldn't even bring me to Mayfield. I have to wonder why, what had happened? There were a few possibilities. She could have been to afraid to continue our "non-relationship" after i had broke the rules, per se. This was most likely, all things considered. She could have been merely worried about leaving Rachel with a babysitter for an entire day while she drove to god knows where. Not likely, Rachel has a nanny that stays with her all of the time now. So the only other option was that she was worried i was in love with her. Which makes me think, why would that worry her? Wouldn't she be more upset, or excited, or at the very least confused? She could only be worried because she loved me back. But do i love her? It feels too soon for me to know, but all signs point to yes. We as people are our actions, not our words. When i was in the hospital after electrifying my brain to try to save Amber, she stayed with me all night. Even though i was in a coma, she was there for me. Where i would never know, she would never tell me. I had found out through Wilson, and i know why she wouldn't tell me. I would have made fun of her, picked at it, analyzed it. Just like i am doing now. It speaks volumes now, while i'm stuck in this prison cell, metaphorically speaking. She has always protected me, always been there for me. With any other Dean of Medicine, my job would have been terminated years ago. My own diagnostic department was created for me, by her. I had pushed the line, gone over the limit, declared my battle ended, and left her to clean up the messes for so long. It shocked me that my job was still safe. What kept her drawn to me? We had had our moments in college, sure, but what had compelled her to give me the job almost 5 years ago, when no one else would waste the interview time? She must have cared about me much more in Michigan than i thought. Michigan was the missing factor. Of course! She obviously drew her feelings during the interview from her time with me at Michigan. Not entirely fair, as i had changed, but not enough to confuse her feelings for me. It was clear to me now that our late night study sessions and innocent "sleepovers" at each others dorms had an internal effect on her. So this had gotten me my job. But what's been keeping it? How can she continue to allow me to put her job at risk every single day? Unless she was enjoying it. Like Wilson has done, enabling me. When the hospital was held hostage, she enabled my every medical move, and motivated my survival. On the other hand, she was allowed to keep contact with me during the hold up. Which tells me she kept cover, letting them know i was just an employee and she was just the Dean of Medicine. But it was so much more than that. She insisted on using my office after the attack, not Wilson's. It amazed me, confused me, confounded me, and then i realized. She wanted to be around me. She wanted to be in my atmosphere, all the time. This proved it, because there were so many other places to chose from. The next incident occurred after she lost Joy. I was in her home, uninvited, unwanted, yet she wanted me. She looked a mess, needed someone, and i was there. No doubt she would have chosen Wilson over me.. right? I had not helped at all, just indulged in my fantasy and helping "heal" her pain until she realized i meant nothing by it. A simple good night and i was gone. But i thought about it. She thought about it. Why did i need to negate everything? Maybe i didn't. Maybe i honestly changed my mind, or maybe i was trying to make her feel better. What could i have possibly done to help her. I'm just a cranky old man with disabilities and huge people problems. But she wanted me, she still wants me. At this point i have recieved a long note from her, explaining how the hospital was doing and ending on a personal note. Greg, i hope they can help you, we need you, Lisa. No i love you, i need you. We need you. A we because she was afraid to give herself alone to me. But she cares, she loves me. If she didn't she would have never sent me a letter, and told me that "they" needed me. She needs me.

Right?

Maybe i'm overthinking this...


End file.
